Try “letting go of the rope” to get your arguing teen to relax.There is a family therapist in my area who specializes in working with teens. We both speak at the same conference every year and she has a very different take on how to handle arguing teens.
“If your teen isn’t telling you they hate you once a day, then you aren’t doing your job.”
If my teen was telling me that she hated me everyday, then I would HATE my JOB!If I hated raising teenagers, I would disengage, avoid them, be resentful of them and white knuckle it until they were out of the house. WE CAN DO SO MUCH BETTER! Arguing teens and power struggles are very normal, but not much fun. We go back and forth, fighting for who’s right. It’s annoying and exhausting. Mom – “Get off your cell phone and do your homework” Teen – “I am! My homework is on my phone.” Mom – “You can’t concentrate with all those distractions” Teen- “It helps me study”
When we argue and disagree with our child, we begin a tug of war with them where nobody really wins. Even when we fight for a good cause, it doesn’t give us the result we are looking for.Teen- “I’m so stupid/ugly/fat” Mom – No your not honey, you are beautiful inside and out” Teen- Yes I AM! Look at this ZIT! I’m HIDEOUS!
What happens in a tug of war power struggle, is the teen yells louder and pulls harder in the opposite direction, in order to “win” the argument.Teen – “I hate school. Ms. Wilson is such a loser.” Mom – “Now, honey, I’m sure it’s not all that bad.” Teen – “YES IT IS MOM! YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND! SHE’S A HORRIBLE PERSON!” Mom – “Don’t talk that way about people!”
Instead of entering into the power struggle, try “letting go of the tug-of-war rope” by agreeing with them.—————————————————————————————————————- Mom – “Get off your cell phone and do your homework” Teen – “I am! My homework is on my phone.” Mom – “Oh yeah, your teachers want you to work on Google classroom now. How is that working for you? Do you like it? Teen- “It’s ok” Mom – Is it hard to stay focused on school work when your phone has so many temptations on it? Let me know if there’s anything I can do to support you. ——————————————————————–————————————————— Teen- “I’m so stupid/ugly/fat” Mom – “Wow, your brain is telling you all sorts of mean things about yourself right now.” Teen- Well, I AM! Look at this ZIT! Mom – I see your zit. I’m sorry that you are feeling ugly. That’s not a fun way to feel. Is there anything I can do? ———————————————————————————————————————– Teen – “I hate school. Ms. Wilson is such a loser.” Mom – “Wow! You REALLY don’t like school and you sound especially mad at Ms. Wilson.” Teen – “School sucks and Ms. Wilson is totally unfair.” Mom – “You did not have a great day today.” Teen – “Do we have any food? I’m STARVING” When we agree with our teens, we diffuse their energy. There’s no need to keep driving home your point, getting louder and more emotional. Eventually the conversation gets boring and your teen moves on.
This “letting go of the rope” strategy will help you ENJOY parenting your teens.When we enjoy parenting, we engage more with our teens, take classes, read blogs and learn to become better versions of ourselves. Creating homes that feel peaceful, make it a more relaxed and enjoyable place for everyone. If you aren’t enjoying parenting your teen, schedule a free discovery call to see if life coaching is right for you.
10 Powerful Questions
5 Questions every morning to give you clarity and intention.
5 Questions every evening to give you satisfaction and gratitude.
This is the best way to get you in the driver’s seat of your life.