I don’t want to be lazy and self indulgent by hiring a housecleaner

Torie,  I’d love to have a monthly house cleaner. I’m just not all that good at keeping the house clean. I mean, I can keep it tidy and I try to stay on top of the house cleaning to-do list, but it never really looks all that clean. At least not all at once. I never finish the job, and I just don’t enjoy it. But it seems too indulgent for several reasons.  The reason I always use is: “It costs too much money.” But honestly, our finances aren’t that tight any longer, and we could afford it.  The other reason has to do more with the perceptions of class and some harsh judgmental attitudes I was raised with concerning people who have things like house cleaners and gardeners. The perception is that having people do the work for you makes you lazy and spoiled, and well, self-indulgent. Because if you can’t clean your own house, what good are you? Are you even pulling your own weight? Jamie Life Coaching Answer: What you’ve got here is a classic case of cognitive dissonance. Part of you would love a housecleaner. You like the idea of having the whole house thoroughly clean at one time so you can enjoy it.  But the other part of you doesn’t want a housecleaner because if you had one, you would think negative thoughts about yourself like “I’m not pulling my weight” and “I’m lazy, spoiled and self-indulgent” and “What good am I?”  You did a great job of identifying all the reasons why you haven’t hired a housecleaner. This is the first step. The second step is to QUESTION these beliefs you were raised with.  Are you pulling your own weight? How would you know?  What percentage of your day is spent giving, versus receiving?  Most people who have your belief system tend to GIVE 95% of the time and RECEIVE, 5%, not a healthy balance if you ask me.  “Lazy” is probably the last word people would use to describe you. How would you know if you were being lazy? Well, you probably would have a messier house? You might spend hours a day “self-indulging” on Netflix.? Think of a mom you would label as lazy. What percentage of her day is spent relaxing? If you hired a monthly house cleaner, does that mean you would suddenly spend 85% of your day lounging around?  These beliefs you have don’t hold up to scrutiny. I don’t think a monthly housecleaner is going to dramatically change your personality or your values. You will still be YOU, just with a cleaner house.  Many of us grow up thinking that every thought we think is truth. Look what’s happening with the extreme democrats and the republicans, both parties think their thoughts are the TRUTH. They will adamantly stand by their convictions believing they are the only ones fighting for freedom and democracy.  You could call this “lazy” thinking.  It’s important to question our beliefs, especially ones involving such harsh judgment.  I want you to think of another mom you really like and admire, who has a housekeeper. Do you think she is spoiled and lazy? If I told you that I have a housecleaner and a gardener, would you think to yourself, “What good is she?” Most of us reserve these harsh judgements for ourselves. We use these self- critical comments to keep us locked in a prison of our own making. They show up everytime we try to change or go outside our comfort zone, but that doesn’t mean we have to listen.  Are people who clean their own houses more valuable members of society than people who don’t? What about men? Are they lazy and self indulgent if they let their wives clean their house?  Sometimes it’s embarrassing or amusing to uncover these programmed beliefs that entered our brains without us even realizing it. You just need to give your brain an update like you do with software on your computer.    Step 1 – Notice what you want.  Step 2 – Ask yourself why wanting it is bad and wrong. Write down all the thoughts that keep you from getting what you want.  Step 3 – Question those beliefs! Are they true? Do they apply to everyone? Are they kind? Do I like these thoughts? Are they aligned with who I want to be? Step 4 – Who would I be without those thoughts? Ask people with housecleaners what thoughts they think to make it ok in their mind. Did it turn them into self-indulgent people? What do I really value?   If you have a housecleaner, go into the Supermom is Getting Tired Facebook Group and tell us how you justify it.  Here is how I think about it:  As a life coach, I want people to do work they love. I believe we all have special skills, talents and inclinations and when we listen and obey those callings, it fulfills our purpose here on Earth. How do you know if you are on the right track? It feels amazing.  I know that cleaning houses is not my life’s mission and calling because I don’t enjoy it. But you know who does? House Cleaners! They LOVE restoring order to a big mess. Transforming a house, moving the energy in a home, bringing new life into a place. They love the physical rigor, listening to music, talking with their friends while making people’s living environments more beautiful.  If I clean my own house, I am taking away an opportunity for others to do work they love. I take time away from my mission and purpose and spend it on an activity that lowers my vibration. I CAN clean my own house, I just prefer to encourage people to follow their passions. I CAN color my own hair, but I would rather support my hairdressers passion.  Who would you be with a little self indulgence in your life? My hunch is you would be a little more relaxed. A little more balanced. Yell at the kids less. Appreciate your partner more. Laugh easier and play games. I mean really, what good are you then?  Supermom Kryptonite – A fear of relaxation  Those of us who grew up with the old Protestant work ethic “all work and no play is the path to heaven” or  “If you have time to LEAN, you have time to CLEAN”, can develop a fear of relaxation. Sprinkle a little Catholic or Jewish guilt on top and sitting still can cause a panic. The reason for this is because as soon as you kick up your heels or indulge in a relaxing activity, in comes this mean drill sergeant/nun voice in your head telling you how lazy and self indulgent you are.    Instead of talking to our inner nun/drill sergeant, we avoid them by working to the point of exhaustion. But here’s the thing. Our higher self KNOWS we are meant to live in harmony and will try and restore equilibrium by SNEAKING indulgences behind our own backs. Staying up later than we want watching TV, inhaling potato chips in the car before we even get home to unpack our groceries, or getting sick or having body pains are all ways our higher self will try to restore balance without asking permission first.    It’s better to purposefully indulge and relax. Start off small. 5 minutes of relaxation in the middle of the day. Talk to your inner drill sergeant and remind her that it’s ok, no one will die if you just relax a little. Remind her how important it is to refuel your tank, that it will make you MORE productive if you are more rested. The more evidence you can give your brain that relaxing doesn’t kill you, the easier it will be to enjoy it.    Supermom Power Boost – Sacred Chocolate Time   When the pandemic hit and we were all staying home for days on end, I found myself in need of rituals. I always had school schedules to give structure to the day and without it, I needed something to help me anchor my day. I discovered Sacred Chocolate Time.  I went and bought my FAVORITE chocolates and told my family these were MY sacred chocolates and no one was to touch them but me. Every evening, I take out the box and smell it. I put my full attention on the chocolate and I savor the taste, smell, texture all of it. It started to become my favorite part of the day.  So I started to play around with the word “sacred” and began wondering where else I could apply it? I tried “Sacred Teeth Brushing” but it didn’t work too well. “Sacred Dish Washing” was really nice the one time I put music on and lit a candle while savoring the warm soapy water, but it was hard to maintain. The one that has stuck around the most is “Sacred Pet-the-Doggy Time” which just makes me smile every time. Instead of having your higher self create balance by sneaking in indulgences, do it deliberately by adding the word sacred to it. “Sacred Watch-The Bachelor-While-Facetiming-Best-Friend Time” “Sacred Bath Time” “Sacred Coffee-and-Journal Time”. Your inner drill sergeant/nun can’t argue as easily when you use the word sacred in front of your relaxation.    Quote of the Day: “You do not have to be good. You do not have to walk on your knees for a hundred miles through the desert repenting. You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.” Mary Oliver

10 Powerful Questions

5 Questions every morning to give you clarity and intention.
5 Questions every evening to give you satisfaction and gratitude.

This is the best way to get you in the driver’s seat of your life.

More to explore

How to become a fun mom instead of a nagging mom

Episode #170 – How to turn off “Task Master mode” and have fun with my 13 year old boy. Question of the Day: I’m pretty sure my kid is going to grow up and remember me as a nagging, grumpy task master. He’s barely 13 and our relationship is already on thin ice. On the … Read more…

Letting Go Challenge

 Letting Go Is there something you need to let go of? Most moms intuitively know when they need to let go of something, but this often is accompanied by a  resistance to doing so. The thought of letting go induces a tight feeling of holding on. When part of us wants to let go, … Read more…

Enneagram #9 – The Peacemaker

Enneagram Type 9 The Peacemaker – The Mediator If you resonate with every number on the enneagram, you might be 9. The Enneagram Type 9 can be called the crown of the Enneagram because it is at the top of the symbol and because it seems to include the whole of it. Nines can have … Read more…