Episode for the Week: Money Worries
Today’s question comes up a lot.. See if this has ever happened to you
You get some time away, to take a break and feel like yourself again.
You have a free discovery coaching call with me and get excited about your potential and possibilities for your future.
You get a glimpse of what life could be like with a little more balance or a little more fun and an idea of how great life could be if you felt more like you.
Has this ever happened to you? I hope you aren’t so entrenched that you haven’t experienced this.
It feels so exciting; so freeing, that it scares us.
The thought of so much positive change happening in such a short period of time is overwhelming. Every time we leave our comfort zone, even for something we want, fear comes along for the ride.
But fear is sneaky, it sounds like this:
“The kids need me. I don’t have time. I could never do that. My husband wouldn’t like it. What would people think? There’s too much to do.”
And the most common of all the excuses is today’s question:
Question of the Day: “What if you figure out what you want but you can’t afford it?”
The belief “I can’t afford it” is so prolific that it seems silly to question it. It feels true for many Americans, regardless of how much money is in their bank accounts. Just living in America puts us in the top 5% of wealth, not to mention the many potential opportunities to increase our wealth, that it seems crazy so many of us share money worries.
Parent Education Answer:
There is a parent education answer to the question, “What if you figure out what you want but you can’t afford it?”
You never want to send the “I can’t afford it message” to your kids. It’s a thought that makes us feel like a helpless victim. Take a look at what the thought “I can’t afford it” creates. When you think this thought, notice how you feel.
Thinking of money worries and believing the thought “I can’t afford what I want” creates a heavy, weighed down feeling in your body. It’s like putting shackles around your ankles.
It keeps you stuck in one place. When you think this thought, there’s no imagination, no exploring alternate possibilities, no believing in your ability to create more money. It just keeps you where you have been.
Instead, teach your kids that everything is a trade-off. “We can afford anything we want, it’s just a matter of priorities.” Talk to your kids about the value of things.
We decided to put our kids in private school, so we moved into a smaller home in a less desirable neighborhood. Our family values experiences more than things, and our gift giving reflects that.
Instead of party favors at birthday parties, I sent the kids home with memories of fun games and activities. I skip name brand clothes unless I find them at Ross for half price, but we pay extra for super high speed internet.
The message to send kids about money is that everything is a trade off and to align your spending with the things you value the most.
Life Coaching Answer:
The thought, “I can’t afford it” is really about fear. When we think about doing something good for ourselves, something that could create positive change in our life, we get scared. It’s a natural reaction. Our minds perceive change as scary, even if it’s a good change. “I can’t afford it” is a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m nervous”.
Let’s say you take your child to the hospital for an asthma attack. They say the treatment costs $1800. Would you need to think about it? Would you say “I want to pay but I can’t afford that” or “let me talk it over with my husband?”
No, the asthma treatment is of such a high value that you would spend the money, then later figure out how to pay for it. If I said you had to come up with an extra $10,000 in 2020 or your children would perish, you would figure it out! You would get creative, you might throw morals out the window, but you would get it done.
Spending is always about values and priorities.
Can you see any benefit on holding on to a belief that makes you feel trapped and keeps you from noticing possibilities?
The truth shall set you free so any thought that makes you feel weighed down and trapped is not a true one.
Handling Money Worries
We spend money on gym memberships, mani/pedis, hair, and clothes. We’ll spend money on private schools or tutors, club sports, extra curricular activities and SAT prep classes.
We always have a choice on where we spend money and what we think is worth going into debt for. We justify our spending based on what we SEE other people spending money on, but the most valuable things to spend money on are things you can’t see.
Many families take kids to Disneyland because they want to make them happy. They think seeing happy kids will make them feel like they are doing a good job.
The truth is, our ability to feel happy and satisfied in our job as mom does not come from our kids. It comes from the thoughts inside our own heads.
If you put your ability to feel happy into the hands of your kids’ trip to Disneyland, as soon as they melt down, cry, and fight with their siblings, you are going to get super annoyed. You spent so much money trying to feel happy, just to have ripped away at the first temper tantrum.
When you take responsibility for your own happiness and satisfaction, then it doesn’t matter how your kids behave. You get to feel the way you want to feel whether you are at Disneyland, at home, or dragging your kids through Target.
Life coaching is the best place to spend money because you learn the meta-skill of how to be happy any time you want. You can save so much money buying things that only bring you temporary pleasure.
You can spend $20,000 remodeling your kitchen, then, 6 months later, start complaining about the bathroom needing to be redone. The new kitchen doesn’t bring you long lasting happiness because that comes from your thoughts.
If your brain is trained to look for problems to solve, you will just find more problems. It’s the state of mind we get stuck in that keeps us from getting the feeling of satisfaction and joy we crave.
That new toy you bought your kid only provided a week’s worth of peace for you. Wouldn’t you like to learn how to feel peaceful anytime you want?
You loved your new car when you first got it, but one year later all you can think about is how messy it is and how much driving around you have to do.
Spending money on your mental and emotional well being is one of the BEST things to spend money on if you want long-lasting happiness and peace.
Most of us agree that taking care of our bodies is a good idea. We can see the value of joining a gym, eating healthy foods, moisturizing, taking vitamins, and getting massages or facials, but what’s the point of having your body in top shape if your mind and emotions can’t appreciate it?
Can you imagine who you would be without the thought “I can’t afford it?” If this thought was completely unavailable to you, how different would you feel?
You still have the same amount of income and outflow, but your thought is “I can spend money on the things I value most” or “I always have enough for the things that are important to me.” or “There are many ways to make more money.” These are the beliefs we want to pass to our kids and it starts with believing them yourself.
If you could think these thoughts, how do you imagine you might feel?
Open? Hopeful? Creative?
What actions steps might you take if you are feeling hopeful and creative? You might cancel memberships to things you aren’t using. You may say no more easily when your son asks for something, but say yes to something special for YOU. You’ll start scanning your budget to see how aligned your spending is with the things you value most. You might ask for a raise or start a side hustle, just because you want your money to be aligned with your values.
Today’s Supermom Kryptonite: Thinking that the way things have been is the way they will be in the future.
Look around you right now. What do you see? I see a laptop, a sofa, a coffee mug, a box of tissues. Everything you see began in someone’s imagination. If we want to create something new, we first need to see it in our imagination. The thought “I can’t afford it” blocks our ability to use our imaginations to create what we want.
If you grew up hearing “We can’t afford it” then it’s an easy thing to repeat, but it costs you the ability to step out of that way of thinking and create a new reality. Just because things have always been a certain way, does not mean they will always be. Change can happen on a dime, at any time. You just have to want it.
Supermom Power Boost: Get Creative!
There are 100 ways to get what you want. I have a friend who said, “If I ever came into extra cash, I would sign up for this writer’s retreat and workshop.” Two months later, her old company liquidated stock options and (surprise!) extra cash came in the mail and her writing career began. If she hadn’t used her imagination FIRST to think about what she wanted, she very easily could have gotten that check, used it to pay bills, and not used it to create an exciting future aligned with her values.
To set loose your creativity and use your imagination to create what you want, try this exercise: Pick one thing that you would LOVE to spend money on. Something that feels very aligned with your values and your heart’s desire. Make sure it feels fun and slightly indulgent. Got it?
Estimate how much you think it will cost. Now list 20 different ways you can make that much extra money.
Let’s say you want to sign up for my 12 week Supermom is Getting Tired Coaching Program because you want to feel better. You are tired of being cranky all the time and you want to show your kids how to take responsibility for your own happiness and create a life you love. The cost of the program is $1668.
Let’s say you promised your husband you would make up that much more money in 2020 to pay for it. You could…
- Become a door dash driver
- Ask for a raise or promotion
- Offer to drive other kids around for a fee.
- Sell stuff on ebay or letgo
- Sell jewelry on etsy
- Bake cakes for birthdays.
- Advertise on social media for your favorite businesses.
- Rent a room in your house on Airbnb
- Take in an exchange student
- Turn off your electricity and live by candlelight
- Trade your car in for a cheaper hybrid.
- Barter services with hairdressers, handymen, friends.
- Become a dog walker or dog sitter