Supermom is Getting Tired Podcast.

Are you a hardworking mom who gets tired from trying to do everything right? Do you struggle to relax, making parenting a burden instead of a joy? This podcast helps you release the pressure and guilt, while offering practical parenting advice so you can be the mom you want to be...

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Enneagram Type 3 - The Achiever

Enneagram Type 3

Posted by Torie Henderson on  February 13, 2024
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Enneagram Type#2

Posted by Torie Henderson on  February 6, 2024
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Enneagram Type #1

Posted by Torie Henderson on  January 30, 2024
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Type #1 The Perfectionist – The Reformer The rational, principled, self controlled idealist Today I will help Enneagram Type #1’s understand their motivation, release the burden of perfection, trust in their goodness and finally relax.Ones are conscientious and ethical, with a strong sense of right and wrong. They are always striving to improve things, but afraid of making a mistake. Well-organized and fastidious, they try to maintain high standards, but can slip into being critical and perfectionistic. At their Best: wise, discerning, realistic, and noble. (Atticus Finch, Hermione Granger) At their worst: close minded, critical, self righteous (Osama Bin Laden) A type 1 parent can show up quite differently depending on whether their strict moral code extends to their children, or is primarily turned inward onto themselves. You might hear a One say to their kids: “It’s my way or the highway” , “It’s important to take your responsibilities seriously. “If you were more organized, this wouldn’t be a problem.”“If you aren’t going to follow the rules, we aren’t going to play.”Or you might hear them say:“Why can’t I ever get it right? “I can’t relax because there is still work to be done.” Basic Fear: Being a “bad” personBasic Desire: To be good, to have integrity, to be beyond reproachKey Motivations: Want to be good and right, to strive higher and improve themselves and the world around them, to be consistent with their ideals, to justify themselves, to be beyond criticism so as not to be condemned by anyone. Ones might express irritation and resentment regularly but try to control their anger because they see it as morally wrong. Ones have difficulty letting go, being silly, indulging, relaxing and going with the flow. Type One Anja signed up for the Leading Your Teen group class and was super enthusiastic. She had taken parenting classes when her kids were young and appreciated learning new tools and strategies for parenting her kids. She read books and enjoyed striving to be her best. She participated and enjoyed getting coached. Learning about herself and ways in which she could improve made her feel competent. Acquiring strategies for raising teenagers helped her confidence that she was up to the task.She spoke highly of the class to her friend Amy (also a type 1) assuming she would love it. Amy signed up for the class but struggled to get into a learning mindset. She was so wary of being criticized and afraid someone might think poorly of her that avoided participating. I suggested Amy drop the group class and switch to individual so we could focus on self compassion, believe in her goodness and tame her inner critic. Focusing on these things first got her into a place where learning could take place. Ones monitor what they say, how they say it, with a very critical internal voice that scolds them for what they do wrong. They try to live up to the internal standards of what they believe to be behavior beyond reproach. When Ones take on a task, their intention is to do it right. Their mission is to seek perfection and avoid mistakes.Whenever I hung out with my friend, just being around her made me a better mom. She had amazing tolerance for what I found to be difficult. She was patient and kind to EVERYONE else, except herself. She held herself to a very high standard. I didn’t get many glimpses inside her head but from what I could see, she had a ferocious drill sergeant who did not give her any of the credit she truly deserved.Ones can be serious, single minded, and driven to work hard, while also being highly critical of themselves and others. If you are remodeling your kitchen or having brain surgery, you WANT to work with a One!Ones are diligent, responsible, organized, and TIRED. But instead of resting when tired, they try to complete all the tasks thinking once everything is done, they can rest. Ones have difficulty relaxing unless on vacation because there is work to be done (and they dislike delegating). Raising an ADHD kid who did not take school seriously was a huge stress on Julia. She couldn’t stand his lackadaisical attitude and procrastination and felt tied up in knots on a daily basis. But when she was on vacation, nothing stressed her out. She loved being “vacation mom”, so relaxed and open, so we studied her and figured out how to bring vacation Julia, back into everyday life at home.Ones are highly discerning and try to do the best job possible, down to the smallest detail. They try to behave perfectly to cover up a deep fear of being flawed. Ones control their anger and disapprove of expressing anger, but can be judgmental and critical of their partner, their kids, the schools, coaches, etc. “There’s no excuse for being late.”Christina didn’t take her perfectionism out on her 16 year old, but instead turned it onto the school system she was a part of. Everyday she’d pick her daughter up at school and interview her for pain, looking for injustices and problems she could help her solve. She thought the way to show her love was to have her back against a common enemy. Together they would bad mouth the teachers, the school system, and her friends. This made Christina feel aligned and connected with her daughter, but it was a catch 22. Her teen felt the only way to make her mom happy, was to focus on her unhappiness. She felt she had to choose between betraying her mom or betraying the system she was participating in.Ones look for fault in other people because it allows them to feel better in comparison.“Everyone needs to do their part to make the world a better place.”“Why can’t anyone do anything right?”Questions to help decipher your type:
  • Do you have a constant internal critic, that you’ve had since you were a child, that never gives you an atta girl, that you aren’t behaving appropriately and you don’t have what it takes.
  • Do you have a constant need for self-improvement, while knowing that no one will ever be perfect?
  • Do you have a hard time relaxing, having fun, and getting away from your responsibility unless you are on vacation?
  • What is this Supermom’s Kryptonite? A disintegrated One mom might…..
    • Fixate on small imperfections “There’s no excuse for being late.”The question “Will this matter 10 years from now?” is a great daily question Ones can ask themselves.
    • Obsess and micromanage (Checking powerschool everyday? Focusing on one tardy or A-)
    • Need to fix everything that is broken in the world and get resentful when others don’t share their beliefs about right and wrong. “Cows are the biggest producers of carbon emissions so if we care about the planet we shouldn’t eat meat.” Ones don’t want their beliefs to be challenged. “Let’s agree to disagree” is a difficult concept for Ones.
    • Analysis paralysis can cause procrastination. You want to organize the playroom but since there is no way to do it perfectly, you leave it a mess and get resentful that no one else is annoyed or helping you with it.
    • Difficulty feeling satisfied. Ones can be an exemplary role model parent to everyone else but they don’t feel the inner satisfaction because their inner critic keeps telling them unless you are perfect, you suck.
    • Difficulty delegating to others and spending time and money on relaxation and self care because the voice in their head says they don’t deserve it and it’s not “ morally good”.“I’ll load the dishwasher because I’ll have to do it again anyway because you won’t do it right.”
    What perfectionistic Ones use life coaching for:
    • Tame the inner critic and increase compassion for self and others.
    • Develop an inner cheerleader who gets equal headspace.
    • To relax, have more fun, and feel more serene. Learn when to take off the Supermom cape, and when to put it back on.
    • Add humor, levity and lightheartedness into parenting.
    Example: Davina came to life coaching feeling resentful that her kids liked their Dad more than her. He was more playful with them and she knew it. She wanted to be more fun loving but felt like there was too much work to get done. Davina’s hard work ethic served her well in her career but at home it was costing her connection with her family. She couldn’t stand watching them lounge on the weekend, not doing anything productive.Through coaching, Davina became aware of this mean critical voice in her head that said “relaxing is bad, productivity is good.” (all the time, everyday, no matter what). She learned that her main motivation for working so hard was a fear of what this inner critic was going to say the minute she sat down and stopped working. She decided to see this voice as a prison guard, keeping her locked in this “all work and no play” prison. Instead of pretending this prison guard wasn’t there, she befriended it. She would negotiate with it saying “I promise I’ll go to the gym tomorrow morning if you’ll step aside for two hours tonight while I watch a movie with my kiddos.”As Davina took the pressure off herself, she was able to take the pressure off her family, too, and allow them to relax.Small action steps Ones can take to grow in a positive direction:
  • Start celebrating mistakes. Purposefully do things wrong, slack off, drop a ball, and celebrate it with your family. Leave the dishes in the sink just to prove you can. Don’t contribute anything to the class party. This will help you become more flexible, increase levity, and show that inner perfectionist who’s boss.
  • Redefine your definition of success. Many Ones define success as “doing everything right”. Think about the people you admire, that you consider successful. What is it about them that looks like success to you? Often, Ones will notice things like “balanced” “fun loving” along with “passionate and driven”.
  • Create a “Relaxation Challenge” – Ones like improving themselves so instead of seeing relaxation as something you earn after all your work is done and perfect, see it as a task to complete. Start with 5 minutes of guilt free relaxation and set the timer. Work your way up to 30 minutes in the middle of the day. Do research showing the benefit of midday naps, sitting in the sunshine, or just savoring a cup of tea while staring into space. By flipping the script and making relaxation a chore and a challenge, ones can increase balance and joy in their lives.
  •  Listen to more podcasts HERE .
    Enneagram

    Introduction to the Enneagram for moms

    Posted by Torie Henderson on  January 23, 2024
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    Clarity

    Get Clarity in 2024

    Posted by Torie Henderson on  January 10, 2024
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    Caught kid watching porn

    Caught kid watching porn | Encore

    Posted by Torie Henderson on  November 7, 2023
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    Episode 157 – Caught kid watching porn | Encore “Dear Torie, I am so upset. I just walked in on my 9 year old son. He was looking at our lap top and shut it as soon as I came in the room. I asked him what he was looking at and he said “nothing”. When I looked up the browsing history it was very clear he was watching porn. Not just any porn either, but 3-way super inappropriate born. I am so upset that this is first introduction to understanding what sex is. I know he will never be able to un-see the images he saw. How am I supposed to tell him about how sex is a special thing that happens between two people who really love each other? I want him to have a healthy sexual attitude but am mortified that this was his introduction to it. I feel like his innocence has been ruined.”     Tama Parent Educator Answer: I have been teaching classes on how to talk to kids about sex since the 1990’s. It’s amazing how much has changed around this topic when sex itself has not changed at all. The frequency with which kids seeing online porn is probably the most significant and disturbing change to have occurred. Sometimes, kids seek it out, sometimes they stumble upon it by accident, other times friends share it with them. Either way, it can be hard for a parent to know what to say and how to handle catching a kid watching porn. In this situation, there are a few points I suggest you address with your 9-year-old son. 1. Acknowledge his curiosity. When our kids ask us questions we don’t know the answer to, it’s pretty easy for them to “Google it” or “Ask Siri”. “What’s the capitol of Bulgaria?” “Ask Alexa”. “What’s the weather going to be like on vacation? “Look it up”. So it’s no surprise when kids hear something about sex at recess, they take to the internet to find the answer. We know he was the one searching out sexual content because of the search history. Letting your son know that it’s really normal at age 9 to be curious about the human body (especially the opposite sex) and how it works would help put him at ease. Tell him it would have been ok for him to come to you with his questions and that you are going to buy him some books with factual, age-appropriate information and answer any questions he might have. The message you want to communicate is there is nothing wrong with being curious about sex. I have an online sex education class, “Time for the Talk” that I designed for parents to watch with their 9-12 year old son or daughter. You can purchase this class at www.TimeforTheTalk.com and also receive a list of books I recommend for different ages. 2. Make a house rule about porn. Tell your child that there is something called pornography that he stumbled upon, that is different than what real people do in the privacy of their bedrooms. “Media sex” is fake. It’s designed to be shocking and exaggerated as a way to make money. It is very different than the kind of sex real people have who are in intimate relationship with one another. Let him know that it is against the law to show pornography to a minor and a kid watching porn is thus not allowed. You can tell your child, “Allowing pornography to be viewed in our house by you or any other minor is punishable under federal law. Therefore, your Dad and I will not allow pornography to be viewed in our house. We understand that you can find all sorts of inappropriate content online and we hope you will make good decisions going forward. If we find out that you have been watching it here (or with friends), we will further restrict your internet access in order to keep you safe.”    3. Tell him to follow his instincts.  Instincts are designed to keep us safe. Tell him, “When I walked into the room, you immediately jumped up and shut the computer. These were your instincts telling you that what you were watching was not appropriate. If it had been something interesting in a healthy way or funny in a healthy way, you would have said, “Mom, come here, you gotta see this!” Instead you shut it down like it was on fire and ran away as fast as you could. Your higher self knew you shouldn’t have been watching this and I want to encourage you to learn to listen to these instincts.”   Life Coaching Answer:   What gets in our way from being able to have this conversation? Nerves! It’s uncomfortable to talk about these subjects when we didn’t get great modeling from our parents! Most of us didn’t have an example set for us that we want to emulate, nor did we have the issue of online porn to contend with. If we had seen our parents handle it a way that felt comfortable, it would be much easier for us to know what to do. Many parents worry about doing it wrong. We don’t know what to say or how to say it, so we end up just saying nothing at all. We get afraid that we will make it worse or cause our kid to react in an awkward way. It’s this fear that keeps us giving our kids the information they need to navigate this modern world. Sex education at age 9 is mostly about science, health and respect for the body. Kids are smart, they know food goes into stomachs and gets pooped out. When we tell them babies grow in mom’s stomachs, it doesn’t make sense to them. I believe 9-12 year olds deserve to know all about reproductive anatomy and physiology, puberty, in a way that helps them appreciate and respect the human body for how magnificent it is. Even if your child hasn’t started puberty yet themselves, their friends may be and they will want to make sense of the changes that are happening around them. Open Communication  If your kid hears other kids talking at a sleepover, you want him to come home and ask YOU, not google, for more information. You want your child to be able to hear gossip and think, “I don’t need to listen to you, my parents already told me what I need to know. I’ve got books and all the information I need at home.” Rather than trying to have the perfect conversation at the perfect time, aim for authentic instead. It’s ok to say to your kids “My parents didn’t talk to me about sex or online porn so I might get nervous or embarrassed. Hang in there with me while I fumble over my words. It’s important to me that you know the truth, even if I’m a bit cringy.” There will come a time in the future when we want our children to have an intimate, possibly embarrassing conversation with their partner. We want our kids to be capable of discussing things like birth control, monogamy, and condoms with their future partners. When we model for them, feeling embarrassed and saying it anyway, we teach them the importance of intimate relationships. With today’s culture of online porn and casual “hook-ups”, it’s great for kids to experience the benefit of emotionally intimate relationships, starting with these important but embarrassing conversations with parents.   Supermom Kryptonite – Expecting your teen to misbehave Do you want your teens to watch porn, have sex, drink and do drugs? There is one sure fire way to get your kids to do these frowned upon activities and I see parents doing it all the time. All you have to think and say is, “I know they are going to do it anyways,” When parents have this belief, “I know they are going to do it anyway.” They subconsciously send the message to their kids, that “this is what you are SUPPOSED to do.” In education, we have this saying, “Children rise to your expectations”. When a parent expects their child to drink, experiment with drugs, have sex or watch porn, that’s exactly what happens. This expectation keeps parents from giving information about the risks and consequences, or advising them not to do it. It also doesn’t give room for the teens opinion to come into play. He might be scared or disinterested but feel like he is doing it wrong if he doesn’t live up to his parent’s expectations. It may be that you want your child to fit in and be popular and you think that’s the only way it’s going to happen. Figure out how you WANT your teen to behave and start expecting that behavior. Expectations  Do you want your child to be tempted but make healthy choices instead? Tell him you expect him to do that. Do you want your child to have friends and romantic partners that have her best interest at heart? Tell her you expect her to find that. Expect your child to listen and obey your rules around online porn. If he doesn’t, then take extra precautions and limit his access to technology.  However, always make sure you align your expectations with what you hope to see.   Supermom Power Boost: Teaching your kids about instincts and intuition   We are born with instincts designed to help us keep us safe. An instinct is a physiological response in the body. When a giant spider surprisingly lands in your hair, you jump, scream and flail. Nobody taught you to do this, it’s just an instinctual reaction. Intuition is the ability to understand something immediately, without the need for conscious reasoning. Or, a feeling that guides a person to act a certain way without fully understanding why. Over time both of these senses evolve, picking up more information about what is normal and what isn’t. I like to find examples of listening to instincts and intuition that don’t scare kids. Trusting Instincts I went on vacation on the French Island of Martinique. It was a tropical paradise: warm and beautiful with crystal clear waters. As soon as I stepped into the warm sunshine, my instincts had me take off my long-sleeved shirt and walk to the water in my bikini. Once in the water, I realized many of the other women were swimming and sunbathing with their tops off. One of these women came up and started talking to me. I felt so uncomfortable! My intuitive alarm bells were going off telling me this was not normal! It was a physical feeling in the body of “uh oh” “weird” “wrong” but my brain told me to ignore it, look into her eyes and be polite. After two days of seeing women without tops on, it felt totally normal to me. No more alarm bells going off, my intuition wasn’t telling me something was wrong. Your son’s intuition was telling him that what he was watching was wrong. Pointing that out to him will help him learn to trust himself and his gut, keeping him safe in the future. If he was continually exposed to online porn, like I was with the boobies, the alarm bells would stop going off and he would lose this sensitivity to knowing right from wrong. Teaching your kids to trust their instincts and intuition can be a huge energy boost for mom. This is because you realize it’s not all up to YOU to keep your kids safe. They have a built-in mechanism designed for this purpose and are WAY better at listening to it than adults are! Instinct and Intuition  When I was a new mom, I hated the words instincts and intuition. “Trust your gut” or “Listen to your maternal instincts” were so annoying. I had so much fear, anxiety and worry swimming around my brain that I couldn’t access the physical sensations in my body. Kids are much more connected with their bodies. They haven’t developed the social skills to talk themselves out of what they know to be true. Look for opportunities when your child listens to his intuition and point it out to him. Help him get familiar with this built in ability he has. Kids will often use words like “weird” “wrong” “funny” “uh-oh” or “cringy” to describe the feeling that something is off and their instincts have picked up on it. Quote of the Day: “You have the gift of a brilliant internal guardian that stands ready to warn you of hazards and guide you through risky situations.” ― Gavin De Becker, The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence
    10 Powerful Questions
    5 Questions every morning to give you clarity and intention.
    5 Questions every evening to give you satisfaction and gratitude.This is the best way to get you in the driver’s seat of your life.
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