Supermom is Getting Tired Podcast.

Are you a hardworking mom who gets tired from trying to do everything right? Do you struggle to relax, making parenting a burden instead of a joy? This podcast helps you release the pressure and guilt, while offering practical parenting advice so you can be the mom you want to be...

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I can’t get anything done! – Replay

Posted by Torie Henderson on  September 12, 2023
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Episode #154 – I can’t get anything done! – Replay Question of the Day: I am thrilled that school is back in session —really I am—but I am gobsmacked at how little time I have for myself. I’ve been holding my breath waiting for all my kids to be in school at the same time so I could finally get a moment of peace. Now that it’s here, I feel trapped and overwhelmed by the schedule and everything on my to-do list.Mornings are 100% about getting the kids out the door. There is no time for me unless I get up ridiculously early, and that feels like torture. Afternoons are complete chaos, trying to juggle carpooling, homework, and after school activities. I need to get dinner on the table all by myself while my attention gets pulled in a million directions.While the kids are at school, I really should be exercising because it helps my stress level but how can I prioritize myself when there are so many other demands on my time? By the time the kids are in bed, I’m too exhausted to do anything. I’m so frustrated that this is my life and I can’t see any way out. MoniqueP.S. My husband is a firefighter so he’s gone for extended periods of time. With fire season, it’s not like he’s off vacationing, but he’s so tired and out of sync with our routines that he is no help even when he’s home. Parent Educator Answer:Can you hear what emotion Monique is in? Notice the energy with which she wrote this. Overwhelmed. Powerless. Trapped. Exhausted. Usually, I would start by giving you some tips and tricks to help you solve your problem. A good time management tip is to make a list of activities that require no brain power that you can do while distracted like laundry and dishes. Only do these activities when your kids are around. Save the activities that require your attention, like writing emails or trying a new recipe, until you have time for yourself. But any suggestions I give are just going to make her awful, when she already feels awful. When we are feeling this overwhelmed and exhausted, venting to a compassionate witness is the best medicine. My guess is that Monique felt a reprieve just by putting her words into an email.  Life Coaching Answer: What gets in the way from getting what she wants?  Can you imagine there is another mom out there with the same schedule and routine who doesn’t feel this way? Maybe there is a mom who feels busy and needed, but also valued and purposeful. Or maybe there’s a mom out there who feels guilty and ashamed for not getting more done in a day—she goes through her day quietly feeling like a failure. Maybe there’s a mom who doesn’t notice how much she accomplishes in a day—she doesn’t measure her worthiness by how much she gets done but cares more about how she looks.So many times we look to other moms as evidence to prove that we aren’t good enough or we aren’t doing it right. I want you to look to other moms as examples of our flexible brains and how powerful our thoughts are. The reason Monique is feeling powerless is because of the words she is using. The words we use dictate how we feel. Words have power. When we use words like “I CAN’T get anything done” or “I SHOULD be exercising” or “I NEED to get dinner on the table”  It creates a helpless and powerless feeling in the body. We feel trapped. We can’t see any way out. Helplessness is one of the worst things for the human psyche. All humans have an innate desire to feel free.Monique feels “trapped by the schedule” and “overwhelmed by the to-do list” as though they have more power than she does. The way she words“There’s no time for me”and “This is my life” as though she’s just reporting factual details, is going to give anyone the exact feelings she reports feeling. Notice how you feel when you think the thought “I am tired.” Tired, right? How about “I’m overwhelmed.” When I think it, my brain starts looking for all the things I have going on. The “I am” statement is extremely powerful. Whatever follows those two words, you are guaranteed to experience. Our bodies don’t like when we lie. I wouldn’t suggest Monique saying “I am fully rested and happy to be here,” but she could ease into some softer “I am” statements with “I am tired but that’s ok.” “I am managing a busy schedule” to give her some more peace.  The good news is that all this is fixable. She’s a perfect candidate for the Supermom is Getting Tired coaching program because she would feel SO MUCH BETTER at the end of the 12 weeks!  The most important thing for Monique is recognizing that she is creating her negative emotions. She has more power than she realizes to change. Not in an “I’m not doing it right” way, (watch out for this inner demon who prevents you from making changes) but by thinking “There is a skill set I can learn that will dramatically improve my life.”  The second thing Monique can do is to stop using the words “I CAN’T” “I HAVE TO” “I NEED TO” and “I SHOULD”. These words all create a feeling of helplessness and keep us feeling like prisoners with our children, house, and to-do list as our prison guards. To set yourself free from this mental prison, focus on what you want instead. “I want to feel calm.”  “I want to pick my kids up at school.” “I want to feed my family.”If those don’t feel true, then switch to “I will” or “I intend to”. Remind yourself (daily), that you can do whatever you want to do. You don’t have to pick the kids up at school. You could go to the movies by yourself and make them wait for you or walk home. You don’t have to feed them dinner. You could listen to them complain or let them eat cereal for dinner. You might CHOOSE to feed them because you don’t like the alternative, but that freedom is yours for the taking. You don’t have to drive the soccer practice carpool. You might choose to because you want to do your part and you like seeing your daughter happy and sweaty afterwards. You don’t have to do laundry. Your kids can wear dirty stinky clothes and probably won’t even mind. You want to do laundry because you don’t want to be embarrassed. We are always free. We are born free and die free. Even when we have three little monsters demanding food, time, and attention, we could walk out that door and never come back. We choose not to, because we love those little monsters. Supermom Kryptonite – Fighting for Freedom with Negative Liberty You cannot turn on the news these days without someone shouting, “They are trying to take away my freedom!” I’ve been talking about the FEELING of freedom that is really important for our spirits. To live our best life, we need to believe we are free to do whatever we want. If not, we get stuck in fear.  When people shout about politics “taking away freedom” they are talking about civil rights or civil liberties, “The rights of citizens to political and social freedom and equality.”  I don’t want to minimize this important distinction by saying you can feel free whenever you want.  These are arguments of people “fighting for freedom”. See if you can guess what they are arguing for. (Mask wearing) “Requiring someone to wear something or do something is an overreach of governmental power”(pro-choice) “Every human being has a right to own their own body and should be able to decide what to do with their body.”(carry concealed weapons) “THIS issue is fundamental and essential to maintaining liberty as are the rights of free speech, free press, freedom of religion and other encroachments on liberty.”(anti-vaxxers) “We are for medical freedom and body autonomy. Our bodies are ours, not for someone else to govern. We are fighting for our freedom.”(euthanasia)  “We have the right to pursue life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Doctors should not be allowed to decide who lives and who dies.” Let’s use the recent Texas court decision to ban all abortions after 6 weeks of pregnancy as an example. Women in Texas can still FEEL free by thinking “I still have choices. I can go to another state to have an abortion. I can take the morning after pill or find a “back-alley coat-hanger clinic” to do the job.” Texas has ruled to remove civil rights for half their population. Now making it one of the least free states in our country.  There is actually something called the Human Freedom Index: A Global Measurement of Personal, Civil and Economic Freedom. In a very long and well researched academic report, the authors ranked countries in freedom and civil liberties, from highest to lowest. Which freedoms are considered in this Index? • Rule of Law • Security and Safety • Movement • Religion • Association, Assembly, and Civil Society • Expression and Information • Identity and Relationships • Size of Government • Legal System and Property Rights • Access to Sound Money • Freedom to Trade Internationally • Regulation of Credit, Labor, and Business. Unsurprisingly, the top 10 countries that rank highest on happiness ratings, also ranked highest on the freedom index: Finland, Switzerland, New Zealand, Norway, Austria, Denmark, Canada, The Netherlands, and my family’s country of origin, Luxembourg, made the list in 2020.  The U.S. ranked 17th on the freedom index and 18th on happiness.  The Freedom Index defines freedom as a social construct that recognizes the dignity of individuals and is defined by the absence of coercive restraint. “Individuals have the right to lead their lives as they wish as long as they respect the equal rights of others.” Countries that rank highest in freedom trust their citizens to make decisions that are right for them. They respect free will, as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone else. So I can choose not to wear a mask at a grocery store, but when I do, I compromise the freedom of others to shop safely. So my freedom restricts the freedom of others. The government creates laws to help people enjoy their civil liberties.  I love knowing that if I buy property, no one can take it away from me or without consequences. There are laws in place to protect my freedom to come home and not find squatters in my house. My beloved Costa Rica scores high on happiness rankings, but low on the freedom index because the legal system does not impose restrictions on criminals. They have negative liberty, meaning non-interference by government, so people can do what they want without consequences, but this impacts the security and economic freedom for a majority of citizens.  Think about it this way. Negative Liberty is noninterference by others. If your kid doesn’t want to go to school, negative liberty means no interference. We’ve created laws that make this illegal because getting an education increases the child’s civil liberties, which increases access to economic, social freedom. When your teen says, “You have no right to take away my cell phone! I should be free to watch porn all day if I want to!” You can say you are actually increasing his civil liberties, giving him access to education, jobs, transportation and relationships with real people. By restricting this one freedom you increase his access to a more fulfilling life. Positive Liberty removes the constraints that impede one’s personal improvement of the fulfillment of individual potential. Positive liberty cannot be imposed by others because we naturally have conflicting views on whether and how to achieve self-improvement. Positive freedom means different things to different people.If you told your teen they have to play football to fulfill his potential and have a meaningful life, it restricts freedom because no one else can impose their idea of self improvement. When politicians decide that women are not allowed to make medical decisions about their own bodies, they are taking away freedom like a country that imposes marriage for 13 year olds.  Supermom Power Boost: Practice feeling freeFreedom is not just an important FEELING but also a VALUABLE CIVIL RIGHT. Let’s make sure we have BOTH. One, by not imprisoning yourself with your thoughts and two, by not imposing your values and ideologies on others. Today’s Supermom Power Boost is to practice the feeling of freedom so you can experience how good it feels. The more free you feel, the happier you will be. When you interact with others, your joy will leak out and infect others. When you experience the benefits of freedom, you’ll want to encourage others to seek it for themselves (without assuming you know what’s right for them).  My favorite way to practice freedom is with the thought, “I can do whatever I want!” I walk around my house thinking, “I can do anything I want to do right now! I can tidy, but I don’t have to. I can get on an airplane to Tahiti, but I choose not to. I can sit on my couch and read a book, but I would rather fold laundry. Isn’t this exciting?!  I can be married, or single. I can earn money, spend money, or invest money. I can MAKE my teenager cuddle me, but I choose not to because she does not like it and I don’t want to take away her civil liberties!  I am free to become the best version of me!  Quote of the Day: “There are two ways to go to the gas chamber, free and not free.” Jean Paul Sartre“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” Viktor E. Frankl
10 Powerful Questions
5 Questions every morning to give you clarity and intention.
5 Questions every evening to give you satisfaction and gratitude.This is the best way to get you in the driver’s seat of your life.
Podcast: Play in new window | DownloadSubscribe: Spotify | Stitcher | TuneIn | RSS
Episode #153Question of the Day:Dear Torie, I feel bad for not playing with my kids. They are super cute 5 and 8 year olds who happily live in the moment. I would love to be more like them. When they ask me to play, I TRY to say yes, but either I start cleaning up or I turn it into a lesson. The other day, they wanted me to swim in the pool with them. I WANT to be the kind of mom who can have fun playing in the pool with her kids!  I make myself stop cleaning and put my swimsuit on. I wasn’t in there 5 minutes before I started advising them on the proper breaststroke technique and making them swim laps. It’s like I forgot how to play.My daughter wants me to shoot hoops with her in the street. I love that she is excited about playing basketball! I want to encourage her and play with her, but my attention span is so short. I tell myself “just play with her for 5 minutes” but it’s agonizing. I feel like I’m wasting time because there are so many things that need to get done. Can you help this “All work and no play” momma become fun-loving and playful? TamikaParent Educator Answer: The first thing that might be getting in your way is your “play personality”. You say you forgot how to play, but I would offer that what feels like play to your kids, may not feel like play to YOU. In the book Play, by Dr. Stuart Brown, he identifies 8 categories of play, explaining that not everyone plays the same way. It sounds like you are defining play the same way a kinesthete would, “If I’m not moving, it’s not play!”. You want to play with your kids, but if swimming and shooting hoops don’t shift you into a playful state, then “kinesthete” may not be your play personality. You might have more fun curled up on the couch reading books with your kids, or hosting a pool party for them and their friends. The 8 play personalities are: 
  • Kinesthete 
  • Storyteller
  • Director
  • Collector
  • Competitor
  • Creator/Maker
  • Explorer
  • The Joker
  • If you are a competitor, you can make swimming fun with “how long can you hold your breath” contests or “who can do the weirdest dive”. Because of your tendency to turn things into lessons, you might be a director, trying to create experiences for others. It could be more fun for you to create a “swimming pool obstacle course” or make a checklist of skills for your kids to master.Figuring out what feels like play to you, can stimulate your brain, reduce the pressure you are putting on yourself and help you have more fun with your happy kids. Now let’s talk about the brain.When neuroanatomist, Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, had a hemorrhage on the left hemisphere of her brain, she wrote an amazing book, My Stroke of Insight (and gave a famous TED talk) to help us understand the two hemispheres of the brain. Our right brains are all about this present moment, right here, right now. When we are in our right hemisphere, we experience a deep connection to all other energy beings and our environment. This side thinks in pictures and experiences life through our sensory systems. Our right brains love storytelling, music, movement, creativity, imagination, intuition and empathy. It’s the consciousness of the right hemisphere that causes us to feel playful, joyful, peaceful and connected to a larger whole. So the question Tamika asked “Why can’t I play with my kids?” is simple but very powerful. What she’s asking is “How do I switch from my left thinking brain, to my right thinking brain?” Learning how to manage the mind, to choose which part of your brain you want to be in depending on the circumstances, is the most powerful and beneficial skill set any of us can learn during these wild and unpredictable times we are living in! After her first book, people were so enamored by Dr. Taylor’s description of life with a healthy right brain and non-functioning left brain, she wrote another book called Whole Brain Living: The Anatomy of Choice. This book is the “how” to her first book’s “what”. Folks wanted to know.. HOW can we tap into our right hemisphere to experience deeper joy, peace and connection? HOW do we quiet the left hemisphere of our minds so that we can drop into a playful state whenever we feel like it?This is one of the goals of life coaching. Before we can CHOOSE , we need to recognize and name the 4 sections of the brain. In Whole Brain Living, Dr. Taylor talks about the 4 sections of the brain having 4 distinctly different personalities. 
  • Left Thinking – Thinks about past and future. Linear and methodical. Gets things done. Details. Categorizes. Plans. Verbal internal chatter. “I am…..” which separates me from everyone else. 
  • Left Feeling – Always afraid, Bad things are going to happen. 
  • Right Thinking – Creative, sensory, playful
  • Right Feeling – Fascinated, connected, no boundaries. Moments of inexplicable peace. Compassionate 
  • Everyone of us has these characters in their brain. Getting to know them, naming them, and  forming a relationship with each character helps give you the ability to CHOOSE which part of the brain to step into. The left thinking part of the brain is the Captain of the ship. It helps us gets things done. It watches the clock, reminds us of deadlines and goals, it keeps things moving along. It’s extremely valuable, but most Supermoms spend over 98% of the day in the left hemisphere of their brains. Many of my clients will bounce back and forth between character 1 – left thinking, and character 2 – left feeling. They may start their day with a to-do list, but start panicking when obstacles come up. When your kids won’t cooperate, it can send you into left feeling, character 2. Tell yourself you are “falling behind” on tasks, worry about your boss getting mad at you, or anticipate the embarrassment of your mother in law seeing your messy house, can send a Supermom from Character 1 into Character 2.When your kids invite you to play, they are inviting you into the right thinking part of your brain. This playful, creative, live in the moment, expansive, imaginative, connected, part of all us DOES still exist. It is a part of your neuro-anatomy, even if you find it difficult to access, it’s nice to know it is still there. The more you identify and notice times when you’ve been in your right brain, the easier accessing it will become. So the answer to why can’t I play with my kids, is because you are in your left brain, and perhaps trying to play in a way that isn’t fun for you. Life Coaching Answer: What gets in our way from hopping into your right brain on command? FEARSFear is an emotion in the body. It comes from two places, our instincts and our thoughts. I remember sitting WAY UP HIGH on a ropes course, held up by one cable above me and a tiny piece of wood below me. I was scared out of my mind. My heart was pounding. My palms were sweating. My mouth was dry. My body was shaking but my verbal mind was quiet. When I got to a place where I could stop and gather myself for a minute, I remember thinking “This is what REAL fear feels like….and it’s pretty damn exhilarating”. The fear I felt on a daily basis I called “fake fear”.Fake fear comes from scary thoughts inside our head. It’s the verbal, left feeling brain creating imaginary future scenarios, or replaying past scenarios, that we react to as though they are actually happening right now. “If I take time to play with my kids, work will pile up and I’ll get overwhelmed with work later.” “A good mom would be able to keep the house clean, put dinner on the table, and happily swim in the pool with the kids when they ask.” “I don’t have time to play! My boss will be mad, the teacher will think I’m flaky, my kids will get cranky, and I won’t have accomplished anything today!” Telling yourself “I should have more fun with my kids” is a sure fire way to suck the joy out of the afternoon. In order to choose which section of the brain you go into at any given moment, we need to release the fears that keep you stuck.There are many ways to release fears. Two of the best ways Tamika could practice releasing fears on her own, is exercise and breath work. When the brain goes into the fight or flight response, blood rushes to our extremities, we start sweating and our heart rate increases. You may need to run to the toilet but this physiological response happens without our permission or consent. Even though we might be creating it with a stressful thought like “I can’t mess up”, once the Central Nervous System takes over, it’s on automatic pilot.When we enter this physiological state, it’s helpful to act on it by going for a run, riding a bike, punching pillows or somehow “fighting or fleeing”. If you have stressful thoughts, any exercise where you work up a sweat can be tremendously helpful to shift you out of fear, and into the state of rest and play. The other way to release fear is to shift your brain out of the fight or flight state. The one part of this fight/flight state we have control over is our breath. We can’t force ourselves to stop sweating or redirect the blood flow in our body, but we can take deliberately slow, deep breaths.  If you encounter a bear in the wild, you will automatically take short shallow breaths. When you are relaxing in a hammock under a palm tree, you automatically take slow and deep breaths. When our body goes into fight or flight, but we take slow deep breaths, we confuse our brains. The deep breathing tricks our Central Nervous System into shifting to a relaxed state. Both exercise and breath work bring you into the present moment, which shifts you into the right hemisphere of your brain, which shifts you into a playful brain state. Supermom Kryptonite – Too much left brain thinkingKids are great at living on the right side of their brain. They live in the moment, use their imagination, their creativity and exist in a state of play. Parents and teachers dwell on the left side of their brain. We remind kids about the existence of rules, about cleaning up, about time, about what’s coming next. It takes a strong left brain to manage the comings and goings of a family. Doctor’s appointments, grocery shopping, and getting to school on time, could not be managed without a strong left brain. Every time we talk about the plan for the day, or teach them to read from left to right, we are encouraging our children’s left brain thinking. Today’s Supermom Kryptonite is an over-development of our left brains. If we spend too much time following rules, watching the clock, accomplishing tasks, we lose out on the beautiful gifts of right brain thinking. Instead of always trying to bring your kid over to the left brain, try joining them in the right brain. Your kid is playing with superheroes instead of eating breakfast….incorporate the two. Have the superhero eat breakfast with your child, taking turns powering up with fuel to fly into the car.Some of my favorite ways to do this are: “Do Nothing” Days – Create a span of time where the only goal is to accomplish nothing.Exercise Classes are so good for my creative idea machine I sometimes bring a notebook to class. Sitting in the sunshine for 5 minutes and focusing on my breath. Going for a walk in nature without my phone (if no one’s watching, sometimes I skip 🙂Sacred pet the doggy time, sacred chocolate, morning coffeeFloating in water: hot tubs, pools, lakes, etc.Watching the sunsetHolding a newborn babyDancing Supermom Power Boost – MeditationYou’ve probably heard a lot about this concept of meditation which is why it took 105 episodes for me to mention it as an energy power boost. Meditation is this magical pill that has no adverse side effects but scientific studies show it can help decrease anxiety, depression, insomnia, blood pressure, symptoms of irritable bowel syndrome, menopause, cravings and addictive impulses. Meditation is also shown to improve immune system function, boost attention span, memory, creativity, productivity, self awareness, happiness and emotional well being. If you had a pill that did all these things wouldn’t you take it? The problem is this pill is really hard to swallow! Most people hear about meditation and think, “How hard can that be?”….and then they try it. When our left verbal brain has been in charge for a long time, it’s not going to relinquish control that easily. This “Captain of the Ship” is going to fight like crazy to stay in charge. When you first try to meditate, expect to get squirmy, distracted, and find a million more compelling things that urgently need your attention. But the more you try it, the easier it gets. This magical pill becomes easier to swallow. The resistance to meditation subsides and you start to look forward to this break from the left thinking brain. The biggest benefit of meditation is the same thing life coaching provides. It sits YOU in the driver’s seat of your brain. Every time you have an impulse to get up off your chair, and you force yourself to sit back down, you declare dominion over your mind. The spirit and essence of YOU gets to be in charge. YOU get to decide what you want to think about, how you want to feel, the actions you want to take, no matter what your default wiring might be based on the past.Quote of the Day:  “Western women will save the world” Dalai Lama
    10 Powerful Questions
    5 Questions every morning to give you clarity and intention.
    5 Questions every evening to give you satisfaction and gratitude.This is the best way to get you in the driver’s seat of your life.
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