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Episode #115 – How do I help my anxious, indecisive child?
Question of the Day:
Dear Torie, My 12 year old daughter gets really worked up when it’s time to make decisions. Right now I am watching her work herself up into a state over whether she should, or should not, return a gift she got for Christmas. Her anxiety shows up in little ways (should she go to a sleepover or not, what food to order off a menu) or bigger decisions like should she go out for the club team or stay in recreational league. I have tried many things to help her but nothing seems to work. The other night we were watching The Good Place together and she recognized herself in the character of Chidi. He tries so hard to make the right decisions it gives him chronic stomach aches, but his suffering causes other people to be annoyed by him. I think it’s the first time she realized that her struggle to make decisions affects others, not just herself. She doesn’t want her friends to be annoyed by her indecision (she could care less about annoying me!) She is motivated to change and asked me for help but I don’t know what to tell her. This is not a problem I understand or struggle with. Do you have suggestions to help someone who is plagued by indecision? Amanda
Parent Educator Answer:
This type of anxiety is one that most therapists are trained to handle so starting with finding a psychologist to help her is my first recommendation. This is also the type of anxiety that is going to greatly affect YOU as her mom, so I am happy to help you understand it better so you can be a more effective resource to your daughter. Just like if your child was diagnosed with Celiac disease, you would learn everything you could about being gluten free and start making changes in your lifestyle to support your newly diagnosed child. You wouldn’t get annoyed at her for having Celiac, nor blame yourself for something you did. When it comes to mental health issues like anxiety or depression, I think we should take the same approach: learn, grieve, surrender, adapt, repeat. Amanda sounds like she has done all this. She accepts it without resistance, she’s tried offering suggestions, she doesn’t blame herself or daughter, so let’s learn more about it. Difficulty making decisions stems from perfectionism. We think perfectionism means needing to have a perfectly clean house, and it can be that, but generally it’s more about the belief “There is a right way and a wrong way, and I need to make sure I choose the right decision.” People who struggle to make decisions are trying to optimize their choice. Because they believe there is one right answer and the consequences of choosing the wrong answer are dire, “analysis paralysis” takes over and they get stuck considering countless data points and possible future outcomes. Being plagued by indecision sucks. The Good Place character Chidi has a chronic stomach ache and difficulty enjoying himself. When someone is stuck in anxious indecision they are unable to hear their intuitive voice. The fear blocks them from being able to listen to reason or gut instincts. Giving kids choices seems like a good thing, and it is in small doses, but too many choices can feel overwhelming. I remember taking my 5 year old to a candy shop and saying, “You can have anything you want in this whole store that fits into this little white bag.” I had a fantasy about how his eyes would widen and he would look at me with wonder and gratitude while he excitedly picked his way through the brightly colored bins. I was so busy reveling in what a cool mom I was that I didn’t notice his hunched over shoulders, furrowed brow. The more he weighed his options, the more weight seemed to fall on his shoulders. I remember seeing a Dad sweeping his arm around the periphery of Toys R Us exclaiming to his son, “You can have any toy you want in the whole store!” The dad was so proud of himself but after 5 minutes after they walked through the store, the boy was melting down in a fit of overwhelm, stress and indecision.
- Sympathize and realize they are suffering even more than you are.
- Make decisions for them and eliminate the pressure. It’s nice to have someone to blame if it doesn’t work out.
- Decide not to decide. Encourage your child to use take the energy used to wrestle with her decision elsewhere and give her brain a break.
- Later when they are calmer:
- Play the game “You are getting warmer”. Tell them that “the right answer” is hidden in the room and they have to figure out where it is. Help them realize that the only way to lose the game is to not take a step in any direction. Even if they step in a “colder” direction, it gives them helpful information to inform their next step.
- Point out some of the decisions they make on a daily basis that are easy. Show them how habits and routines reduce the number of decisions they need to make.
- Practice celebrating mistakes. Talk about bad choices that turned out good. Share your poor decisions that turned into funny stories.
Life Coaching Answer:
What gets in our way from being compassionate, helpful guides when our kids are melting down over seemingly nothing? Different brain states. You are in your logical brain with full access to the big picture of life. Your daughter is in an anxious, fearful part of her brain. If she makes the “wrong” decision, her inner mean girl is going to start berating her telling her what a stupid loser she is. She is legitimately afraid of what she is going to say to herself, about herself. This is unconscious to her, but every perfectionist I’ve ever talked to has this as the ultimate worst-case scenario. A perfectionist might SAY the worst thing that will happen to them is they may regret their decision but always, it’s WHAT they will say to themselves if they regret it that is the absolute worst thing.
Supermom Kryptonite – “What if’s”?
Part of what causes doubt, uncertainty, and decision anxiety is thinking about all the “What-ifs” that may occur. Google “decision making frameworks” and you will be overwhelmed with templates and flow charts to help you analyze and maximize all the potential outcomes to help you make the best possible decision. Trying to anticipate all the possible “what if” future scenarios will drain our energy and drive us crazy. Sometimes, indecision is a sign that you need more information. Doing research and gathering data can help us make an informed decision, other times, it keeps us stuck in a mental hurricane. When trying to decide something, know your values and do your due diligence. Weigh your options, but as soon as you are turning up the same information over and over, it’s time to go with your gut. Ask yourself does this choice feel like bondage or liberation? Go with the step that feels like freedom.
Supermom Power Boost – Hot Tubs
I am a huge fan of hot tubs. I can count on one hand the number of years I lived without one. I love having one, especially during COVID. If you have considered buying a used one off Next Door, or you have wanted one but your partner doesn’t think you will use it enough, perhaps this list will help you pull the trigger and make a big decision that you won’t regret. (and if you do, tell your inner mean girl to blame me). Here’s 10 reasons why hot tubs aren’t just for Californians but the perfect thing for Supermoms.- You can experience a deep relaxation without leaving your property.
- It’s close enough to home to bring a baby monitor but far away enough to act as your sanctuary.
- Your kids will practice “swimming” all year round so when summer comes, they aren’t afraid of the water and they feel confident holding their breath.
- It’s a great place for deeper conversations with your teens or tweens (if they get uncomfortable they just dunk under water).
- It feels like a break, another place to go after being home all day.
- It extends your day. You can be outside longer without freezing your tushy during these dark, winter days.
- Somehow it helps siblings get along better. They use their imaginations and make up games.
- Depending on the age of your kids, they can go in with only distant supervision while you enjoy the peace and quiet in your house.
- Your body will thank you.
- You can read or play music but NO CELL PHONES in the hot tub!
Quote of the Day:
“Always make decisions that prioritize your inner peace.” Izey Victoria Odiase10 Powerful Questions
5 Questions every morning to give you clarity and intention.
5 Questions every evening to give you satisfaction and gratitude.
This is the best way to get you in the driver’s seat of your life.